My Sanctuary

One year later, here I am ……..

I went home after one year of being away. And I have so many mixed feelings and emotions about the whole experience. I am not sure where to begin, so as usual my rational self has taken over and I have managed  to atleast compartmentalize (is that even a word) everything that happened, the pleasant and the unpleasant too.

Let me set out by clearly stating that, I had intended not to tell people I was home but  I am sure you have heard or know of these characters who feel the need to share someone else´s news. Damn them!! but it happened and I learnt a valuable lesson, if I ever get another chance, my presence will be felt like a silent wind, in and out like I was never there.

So we begin……

My heartache:

Strong as ever it is still there. They are very many aspects to be grateful for but I am or was at the verge of breaking but all I can seem to do for now is let go and let God be. I worked up a few nerves more or less trying to fathom that which I cannot, bit my tongue too but for now I repeat this prayer silently everytime my heartache threatens to disturb my peace: Lord grant me grace to accept that which you have started you will see to completion. I give it all up to you. Grant me peace from above. I cannot do this alone. Amen!

 The heart to hearts:

I cherish if anything the people I have met in my life who remain a constant source of strength, admiration, encouragement and beautiful memories  but more so the time we spent and continue to spend together. It is between this moments that, that sense of familiarity brings us close, where we come together for a common cause and share in the wealth of experience gained thus far, in the midst of all this finding out tidbits of information we would have otherwise never been privy too. Encouraging and comforting and sometimes just too surreal. Thank you remains my most precious words. I insert a short thank you for all the freebies and treats. I  was spoilt for choice 🙂

The light of my heart:

We are grown! She still holds the greatest chunk of my heart, has changed and grown and is still growing. She is a great reminder of all that is good and pure in this world. Oh how I pray and pray again that all your dreams come true. Did I mention she now has opinions too haha! This time round, I unfortunately did not escape the tirade of tears that came when I left, she currently won´t speak to me but I hope the pain eases. I got this lines from Marie in the film Mr. Church and in a sense they echo how I feel about my precious girl:

Marie: Charlie, Charlie wait. I am angry, too. You give birth to this tiny innocent little thing and you think, ‘My God… , Oh my God, help me protect her.’ And that is what you spend every waking moment doing. And then one day you wake up and you’ve got ……………… And you realize, my God, oh my God, what she will need the most protection from is your own life slipping away from her. But you love her so much. And you just want to smother her with love, and hugs, and words. With every moment you’ve got left.

Times gone by:

There are parts of me, that I have held on to for far too long, others as I came to learn were just forces of habit and nature of which having been removed from them for a while I have graciously let go of. Still a work in progress but I can graciously tell and in all ernst, I like where this is going and this line could not have spot on discerned this better;

I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.- A.G.

 

Exasperating moments:

It got to a point I was tired and not of being home but the calls and requests or is it demands to meet. Don´t get me wrong I love my people but where I come from we suffer from a `majuu` syndrome if I may call it that. It gives you a bit of false status even if you are church mouse poor but still from abroad.  The irony of this was that only 2 people offered to come visit me at home, the rest lets meet, lets do this, lets do that….( shoot me!!!) and so  I made a resolution to make it well known that, I did not come home for you, I came home for me. Its that simple. I stopped answering calls and  I stayed at home which is where I was intending to be in the first place. And before I conclude this episode allow me to pen in words from  Lady G:

The next time someone asks I just might answer but you are all not at all interested in the answer are you? I have been trying to figure out if people mean it or are just making small talk and it is both. I blame all your diaspora family and or friends who allow you to continue weaving your fantasies of their imagined lives.

 

Of feeling loved:

I went to see my dad and I went to see my aunts. In one year, aside from Wei, no one has made me feel more cared for or welcome as my family did. A feast was prepared in my honor  and it wasn´t the normal kind but how we did it old school. This is the kind of cooking that is done when you have important guests or in-laws coming to visit.  A chicken was slaughtered and variety was at hand. All for me! And not to forget the care packages. I believe I broke a backbone or two carrying them but I will remember this for days to come. I shared it here and I share it again,

‘the people who give you their food give you their heart.’ – Cesar Chavez

see your life

Home is where your heart is!

 

 

That my heart is in two different places is without doubt. On one hand re~energized for the remaining time on the other hand unsure of whats coming, but that is not my worry.

Here’s how this conversation will go:

You: How was home?
Me:Heartwarming!!

Home for me is a place to re-energize, to recover, a safe haven where I don´t have to second guess if anything who I am or where I come from. It is a reminder of the best moments I have ever had in my life thus far, a memory pod if I might call it that. Home is a time capsule for eternity and a refuge for the people I hold near and dear.

There are very many definitions of home and I say each to his own but in my view, Home for me is a Sanctuary and truth be told in these words:

“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.” ― Pascal Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon

My dictionary:

Majuu – is sheng (swahili slang) for abroad.

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