If you had asked me what I was expecting or hoping to find when I came here , I would have probably given you a very sketchy answer. I did my best to go out of my way and speak with people who have done this before and they did a pretty neat job of managing my expectations and sharing any and all detail they had. But as always God had one up his sleeve .
Before I came here ; I wish people had actually told me that I would miss home. I was so caught up worrying about my family I hardly had time to register this on myself. I have a very faint, sharp, terrible ache right at the pit bottom corner of my heart that wells tears to my eyes everytime it presents itself. No one took time to describe how this would feel , but I guess it feels different for everyone. You find it in the taste of your food, a whiff of something just like home, a memory , a phone call ,a post or just in a picture frame.
Before I came here no one told me about the loneliness. No one told me about the many silent moments I would have to spend with my self and it is during these moments of silence when all the pent up self doubt , fear of the unknown and longing for what you have known creeps in. I am learning how to be me alone … not around other people. Its not easy , it has been a while since I had to do this.
Before I came here no one told me that I would have to take a step back. I was used to having my own , I was used to being my own. I still have a lifeline don´t get me wrong but its not the same. Nothing given in exact measure has the same amount of comfort and network as before. The playing field has been elevated and Lord knows how it feels to be strapped to a chair and bound. People live on the straight and narrow path here. I am sure I will graze myself quite a bit…… Ouch!!!
Before I came here, if you had asked me why I chose to come here, I would have honestly told you that it was because I can speak the language and I have been here before. No one depicted the bigger picture for me. The course, I applied for has been placed under Development-Related Postgraduate Courses. So you ask of all the places on this earth , why Germany? I got the answer recently , simply put , Germany is not a developing country , it is a developed country. This offcourse backed by the fact that Germany is the third most powerful country in the world but also the largest and powerful country of Europe . That being said , I am expected after my study duration to go back home . In order for me to add value to my home, I had to come here to understand the performance of a developed country , how they think , how they operate and above all else, their moral and living standards. The bar has been raised ………
I am irked but all the same grateful that I have early on realised the much that I have . Its not really a question of having known earlier its more or less what will I do with my realisation. I am learning aren´t I ?
I echo what I read in the mindful minute from the better man project :
Don’t try to yank on a flower to make it grow faster.Things happen in their own time.
Photo credits:www.cooltropicalplants.com and www.hummert.com