Sehnsucht

seeds germinating

If you had asked me what I was expecting or hoping to find when I came here , I would have probably given you a very sketchy answer. I did my best to go out of my way and speak with people who have done this before and they did a pretty neat job of managing my expectations and sharing any and all detail they had. But as always God  had one up his sleeve .

Before I came here ; I wish people had actually told me that I would miss home. I was so caught up worrying about my family I hardly had time to register this on myself. I have a very faint, sharp, terrible ache right at the pit bottom corner of my heart that wells tears to my eyes everytime it  presents itself. No one took time to describe how this would feel , but I guess it feels different for everyone. You find it in the taste of your food, a whiff of  something just like home, a memory , a phone call  ,a post or just  in a picture frame.

Before I came here no one told me about the loneliness. No one told me about the many silent moments I would have to spend with my self and it is during these moments of silence when all the pent up self doubt , fear of the unknown and longing  for what you have known creeps in. I am learning how to be me alone … not around other people. Its not easy , it has been a while since I  had to do this.

Before I came here no one told me that I would have to take a step back. I was used to having my own , I was used to being my own.  I still have a lifeline don´t get me wrong but its not the same. Nothing given in exact measure  has the same amount of comfort and network as before. The playing field has been elevated  and Lord knows how it feels to be strapped to a chair  and bound. People live on the straight and narrow path  here. I am sure I will graze myself  quite a bit……  Ouch!!!

Before I came here, if you had asked me why  I chose to come here, I would have honestly told you  that it was because I can speak the language   and I have been here before. No one depicted the bigger picture for me. The course,  I applied for has been placed under Development-Related Postgraduate Courses. So you ask of all the places on this earth , why Germany? I got the answer  recently , simply put , Germany is not a developing country , it is a developed country. This offcourse backed by the fact that Germany is the third most powerful  country in the world but also the largest and powerful country of Europe . That being said , I am expected after my study duration to go back home . In order  for me to add value to my home, I had to come here to understand the performance  of a developed country ,  how they think , how they operate and above all else, their moral and living standards. The bar has been raised ………

I am irked but all the same grateful that I have early on realised the much  that I have . Its not really a question of having known earlier its more or less  what will I do with my realisation.  I am learning aren´t I ?

I echo what I read in the  mindful minute from the better man project  :

 

“Let go of knowing and allow your heart to dance with the great mystery of it all.” – The Better Man Project 
Could you try?
Could you let go?
What if you let life become a giant surprise and you stopped trying to figure it all out?
Wouldn’t that be a thrill?
Maybe, you could dance with it all.
Maybe you could let go of trying to know everything and actually sit in the true cluelessness we all really function in.
Don’t think you have it all locked down…
That’s when life loves throwing a fantastic right hook at you.
Instead, understand that what you don’t know is far greater than what you do know. 
Understand this…
And you give yourself access to learning for the rest of your life. 
The Mindful Minute

 

seed_germinating

Don’t try to yank on a flower to make it grow faster.Things happen in their own time.

 

 

Photo credits:www.cooltropicalplants.com and www.hummert.com

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Sehnsucht

  1. Right, it’s tough when things don’t go the way we expect but let’s hope for the best.
    “Don’t try to yank on a flower to make it grow faster.Things happen in their own time.” – I love that thought. 🙂

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