Pacified

I had a myriad of titles for this piece, but I settled on the one you currently see because that is exactly  the state I am in,  it has a half full /half empty ring to it and  it sounds more like a silencing of the storm but really it isn’t . Its more or less coming to terms with what is and isn’t and truth be told, I am going to start off by saying I am one awesome person . That was a truth I have craved to hear for a while but indeed it was said and sung and yeah I said it too !

So here we are five years later and I am going to measure  my life in the past 5 or so years. It must have started way longer but the recent events have  played a crucial role in  light of what has happened.

It started when my Bff´s told me they wanted babies. You know its an alarm moment when a lady tells you this because, deep down inside they know the how ,when,  where and  who. The oopps thing never works on me unless you are 18 and under and seemingly young and foolish . Ladies especially the ones I know plan and plan really well. Ask me I know, I am one of them. I can proudly tell you  that all my bff´s 3 or so are all mothers and it is a wonderful feeling. I have seen them change in ways I wouldn’t imagine but motherhood does that to you. So here I am / was,  who am I lying too ,still am scared witless by the whole thing so I am just going to watch and be the weird aunt who always saves photos of other peoples babies on her phone. On that note Baby girl turned 8 this year and after a very stern question from my father ,..eeeh lets just say, I will keep you posted in 2018 or there about.

Then came the blasts from my pasts , I have been overcome by grief and emotion and a roller-coaster all together, from making rock solid mistakes to  physically and mentally having to deal with shit I have held on for far too long. Not all of it was bad , but I choose to keep the good  which kinda went like these two excerpts here:

I finished cooking and asked him to come serve and I in-turn served last , as I was still clearing up. Walking into the living room I found his plate still set on the table and he looked up. I set my plate down and propped up on the seat next to him and looked over wondering so …what´s next , he muffled the volume on the telly and he took my right hand, bowed his head and said Grace!
Day 30 of my thirty day wish list went something like :
Date a man who prays, A man who will not be ashamed to tell you ‘baby wait’, just when you’re about to take a bite off that meal, He will not be ashamed to lead in prayers, One who, every morning will remind you to give thanks for yet another sunrise, He will sit at your bedside as you’re deep asleep to thank God for you.

It is not just enough to have a relationship with the maker. You, we and us have to be one in him. This has never happened before and even in a million years, I would have never guessed it.
I am floored and at the same time humbled….

 and the next one:

I have a friend who about a year and half ago vanished, from my world, our usual joints,face book, the outside world and was virtually out of reach. Being me I reached out a couple of times and poked and made fun of him being married and all and I think that was the last conversation we had. I lost my phone and that was it.

Fast forward to Monday this week , a blast from the past , I bumped into him in town and when he saw me in-order to prove he had not forgotten me quickly recited aloud my phone number and birth date without hesitation. All I could do then was squeal in delight and laugh. We immediately took to our usual, sat down and for about 3 hours did nothing but catch up and replay every memory we had. I got home quite late and broke down in tears. Despite everything that happened he and I were still the same … friends at heart. I, from time to time forget that it is grace and friends such as him that got me to where I am today. Stood by me when everything turned for worse and held my hand when it mattered the most .
So today I repeat this words with every truth resonating in them, friends are like stars you don’t always see them but you know they are there.‪#‎friendsforlife‬#myyearingratitude

 

I am not even sure where this post is headed , but all I know is I have made peace with my past , from the stag  weekend to actually going there , to  actually finding out that had I not  been the  slippery character  I am , as I was told , I would actually get wifed  or would have been ( lol). All I can say is I have been there, to  severally hold a weeping friends hand and  her heart literally, to rub a friends back and on my knees praying all the same . The hardest thing, I think that I have to do  now is learn how to let go… its painful and hurts like hell but if I continue, I am neither helping me or them so I need to do this .

 You know those thoughts and castles you build in your head then somewhere down the path you discover you were actually making plans and dreams and that they would each fall in-place like the perfect piece to complete the puzzle ? IT HAPPENS. Not now and not tomorrow but it happens. It took a NO for me to wake up and many thanks to that no. I honestly cant tell you what is coming but in the words of Lorena I will take it a day at a time . This was my update a while back and thank you cyber stalkers it completes exactly what I want to say:

see

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